You’re dreaming after all
Essay Series: Introductions 7/8
So something new happened last week. I moved. Out of the country. For the first time in my life to anywhere. I’m not quite sure how this happened, but now I find myself in my new, little brick apartment in Cambridge, a 13-hour plane ride away from Japan, where I used to be. It’s been exactly two weeks, and the time just seems like it’s slipping through my fingers.
In February, I entertained the idea of moving to New York in September of this year, which I inevitably decided against.
I took it as a sign from the universe to scrap my goals and just settle with my own little corner of the world. But as soon as I got comfortable with the idea of staying comfortable, another road opened up—one full of fish and chips and sexy accents (for the most part anyway).
It was one of the easiest and most difficult decisions to make for a number of reasons; before I knew it, it was my last day in Japan, which I spent running around like a madwoman: packaging and sending off paintings… shopping for cardboard boxes… driving luggage from my house to the airport… organizing receipts…
When my to-do list was cleared, I started to say goodbye to my loved ones. It then hit me that I wasn’t coming back. I started bawling and couldn’t look at people in the eye. I could hardly string a couple of words together without getting emotional. So many thoughts ran through my little 5”1’ frame. But despite all of the mental whiplash, to me, everything seemed to be happening how it was supposed to. I really couldn’t have planned it better if I tried.
While I was on the plane, my exhaustion blended together beautifully with the anxiety of moving/the plane ride. To calm down, I put on the Ásgeir playlist that I usually default to at times like these. When the chorus of the first song hit my ears, I felt that the lyrics were giving me advice and comforting me at the same time:
Don't hesitate. You're dreaming after all.
I want to take this new journey one step at a time. To begin, I will start renting a studio next week (it kind of looks like an ax murder’s basement, but we will see what I can make out of it). I also want to consistently surround myself with the things that make me happy and share it with the people I love. Easier said than done, of course, because when my brain gets the chance, it automatically defaults to multiple to-do lists that never cease to distract me.
So…what are my goals from here on out? I decided that for the upcoming weeks, they are to wash my shoes every day, make sure I can still touch my toes, and maybe even to remember to floss every night if I need a bit more challenge. Keeping the bar low so I don’t get overwhelmed.
Otsukare and stay safe in these crazy crazy times.
“I knew when I painted it that it was identity that was my problem. It wasn’t painting a stylish picture. And it wasn’t about making a picture that looked like this that or the other Everything about it was a matter of identity. Who am I and why am I doing this?
It’s because I don’t exist unless I do.”